Pleaser

How can you value another if you don’t value yourself? If you don’t see your self-worth there’s a good chance that your colleagues, friends, and, yes, even the woman you’re dating don’t see it as well.

Too often I talk with men who take on the role of Pleaser in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, most women love to be pampered. However, a relationship based solely on a man giving and woman receiving, in the long run, rarely works out.

Recently I had this conversation with T.

o T. I checked out your website. I didn’t realize you had so much information. I’m going to read through it now.
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o R. Let me know your thoughts.
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o T. Well, you’ve already been helpful! I need to go visit Jerry at his shoe repair shop. One of my favorite pairs has a little rip, but they’re one of my favorite pairs of shoes…great leather, soft.
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o R. He’s the best!
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o T. I am reading about the personal shopping. I thought it was taking the lady shopping…I’m trained in that aspect.

R. It’s all about the guys!

o T. Yes, I see that now. I think I am so focused on pleasing that I forget about me sometimes.
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o R. Nothing wrong with that. Women love men who focus on them. My focus is on helping men become the best they can be – balances the equation. Right?
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o T. Yes, I agree. I’m submissive when it comes to relationships though.
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o R. Are you in a relationship now?
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o T. No, I’m not.
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o R. Do you think being submissive is the way to go? How do you think women see you?
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o T. I think strong women see me as a good match, but women that are more middle of the road do not. I think some women can buy into this type of relationship if they’re getting things in return.
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o R. Do you feel fulfilled in the role of Pleaser in a relationship?
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o T. This is the safest, right?
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o R. Being the Pleaser can feel good. Just don’t let it turn into a doormat situation. There’s a fine line between pleasing and being walked on.
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o T. I agree. I think there are other factors that contribute to me being a Pleaser.
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o R. Such as?
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o T. I like to take women shopping.
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o R. And in return?
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o T. Giving, basically.
o I’ve always thought I would be better dating a more mature woman.
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R. A lasting relationship is a relationship that has balance.
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o T. Hmmm, maybe there’s a balance that I’m not seeing. However, it does give me pleasure to please.
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o R. Do your relationships stand the test of time? Since you’re not in a relationship, is the woman the one who initiates the breakup?
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o T. Yes.
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o R. Women like to be challenged (whether they admit it or not). And when the man in their life is there strictly to please them they keep raising the bar. And when you fail to meet their expectations the relationship ends.
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o T. Yes, I see your point. You’re exactly right.
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o R. Good. Take a look in the mirror. You are worthy of a lasting relationship that offers you more than just giving. Some taking on your part is important. Otherwise, you’re in danger of becoming a Doormat.
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o T. Or just a Sugar Daddy.
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o R. Raise your expectation. No guy wants to be a Sugar Daddy. It’s a shallow and unfulfilling life.
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o T. I agree.
o I like the fact that you’re direct.
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o R. I’ve helped hundreds of men find healthy, lasting relationships. Most often it comes as a wake up call. I hope I’ve been of some help to you. Giving can feel good until it folds in on itself. It’s like eating sugar. The high lasts for just so long before it spirals down.
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o T. I understand.
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o R. Keep me posted. Talk soon.
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o T. See, talking with you and how direct you are is much needed. I have some thinking to do.
o
Relationships need balance. Eventually the burden of always being the giver will become unbearable as she keeps raising the bar; she’ll want more. And when you fail to meet her expectations she’ll end the relationship.

Letter to my readers

It’s been a long interesting matchmaking summer and I’m proud to say that I was able to match most of my bachelors. I’ve worked long hours and will continue to do so for those still under contract. They’re amazing guys and deserve all that I can give to fulfill their dreams of finding their perfect matches.

Though my success rate wasn’t 100%, those who didn’t find their perfect ladies are now more prepared to go out and find them. All contracts with Lorenz Matchmaking included date coaching sessions. And those who took advantage of these sessions have a better understanding of the importance of the right image and knowledge about how women approach dating, and I feel confident that by using that knowledge they will find their Ms.Rights all on their own.

Reflecting back on the summer and my history as a date coach and fashion consultant I realized that my success rate for helping men prepare for the dating world has been 100%. I can honestly say that there hasn’t been a single client who hasn’t walked taller and felt more self-confident, self-assured. It has enabled them to attract the right types of women and lasting relationships.

Back to the present. I’m never satisfied with anything less than 100%. Therefore, I’ve come full circle, and beginning this fall will be concentrating on date coaching and helping men sport an image that will attract the right types of women while still keeping my toes in the matchmaking water (more info forthcoming on SSHI Website).

As with most things in life preparation and knowing appropriate protocol is paramount. Knowledge is key; it never fails to get you exactly what you want.

Love Conquers All

Juliet: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, who monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

Juliet: Do not swear at all. Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I’ll believe thee. – William Shakespeare

The heart wants what the heart wants. And though Romeo loved Juliet with all of his heart, and Juliet loved Romeo with all of hers, we know that their love tragically ended.

‘Romeo and Juliet’ is the ultimate (theatrical) example; young lovers have very little history upon which they can draw – love conquers all.

Thankfully, once most men reach their mid-thirties they begin to realize that a lasting relationship involves more than irresistible chemistry.

Married, recently separated, bad breakup, loaded with baggage; considerably different levels of education, income, and varied backgrounds. Though I rarely write positive thoughts about online dating, sitting in front of your computer,reading a profile you can decide right then and there whether or not she’d be a good match – No, not getting involved with that! Love never has the chance to take root, phew!

Granted, there are deal breakers that you know you can’t live with. However as a mature man you’ll never know if love conquers all unless you’re a bit flexible. You have enough life experience behind you to know when to end a dating relationship because you’re certain that a life together wouldn’t work out. Still there are certain traits in women, that at first glimpse may seem insurmountable that on hindsight may not be what they first seemed to be.

Love conquers all? There are times when it does.

You Did a Bad Bad Thing

It happens, you’re in a serious relationship moving forward when along comes a pretty little thing you find hard to resist: the chick’s shamelessly coming on to you with all that she has; and before you can think straight you give into her seductive advances.

You Did a Bad Bad Thing and all that you’re left with are feelings of guilt, not to mention the need to confess your gigantic mistake – one you promise yourself you won’t make again – to the one that you love. You aren’t the first man to cheat on his lady, however that doesn’t make it okay. Huh huh, no way!

No doubt, the fact that you’ve cheated will prey on your mind. And most likely you’ll feel the need to unload your burdensome thoughts with a confession. Yet the question remains, should you tell her or keep your indiscretion to yourself – not rock the boat – hoping that eventually your guilt will subside and things will go on just as usual? Aware of where it may lead, you grapple with the right thing to do. Certainly you’d want to know if the roles were reversed.

Most women believe that once a cheater always a cheater, and few have the emotional capacity to forgive and forget. However, keep in mind that once you’ve cheated, word gets out and when you least expect it – just when you think it’s in the past – it may come back to haunt you. You weren’t in it alone and you can’t trust that the woman with whom you cheated isn’t talking it up all over town. After all we live in a society that thrives on stories like this.

You Did a Bad Bad Thing. Make the right choice.

10 Rules for Fighting Fair

If you’re in a new relationship and haven’t had your first argument, be prepared; sooner or later all couples quarrel.

Studies have shown that couples who don’t share their frustrations about one another split up more often than those who, from time to time, vent their concerns. Building up steam regarding relationship issues until the lid is about to blow sky high is a romance disaster just waiting to happen.

10 Rules for Fighting Fair:

1. Give it some thought before speaking your mind. When your emotions are still running on high isn’t the time to converse.

2. Don’t wait too long before communicating.

3. Be aware of her Hot Buttons; crossing boundaries that you know will initiate an out of control situation.

4. Stay on point. Don’t bring up past issues that have nothing to do with your immediate concern.

5. Use a positive along with a negative; there’s a reason that you’re together. Certainly you can come up with a few complimentary words. It’s the best way to buffer a lover’s quarrel, keeping it calm while working out your differences.

6. Pick an appropriate time to converse. Just as she’s heading out the door isn’t a good time to start an argument. In fact, it’s downright unfair.

7. Ask when it would be a good time for her to discuss what you have on your mind.

8. When it appears that your conversation is taking a turn for the worse, stop and go to your corners.

9. Prior to your conversation make a promise that you won’t interrupt while the other is speaking; listen.

10. Take time to digest what was said before drawing any conclusions.

First fights can be a good indication of where your future together is heading. If you can’t fight fair you may want to think about moving on.

Attitude On My Top Ten List of Why Men Remain Single

Attitude: (1) A position of the body or manner of carrying oneself, (2) disposition, (3) an arrogant or hostile state of mind or disposition.

Lack of an appropriate image, unreadable body language, non-proactive dating habits, set in his ways, lack of dating etiquette, sharing too much information on a first date, unaware or unwilling to accept that there are rules for dating, resisting the fact that dating requires strategy – all on my top ten list of why men remain single.

Though much of the above can be attributed to attitude, through years of coaching I’ve learned that some men are completely unaware of any change in the nonverbal message they’re sending. And for that very reason I’ve placed attitude on my top ten list of why men remain single.

Often after a first date a man will think that things went well, when in fact on her end the date didn’t go at all the way he’d imagined. And, confused time and again about where he went wrong, his positive attitude may begin to disintegrate to that of dating arrogance or even hostility.

And though the men I coach are sincere about finding Ms. Right there are those that I can well imagine coming across a bit arrogant or slightly hostile at the mere thought of going out on yet another date after a long line of first dates that ended in nothing more than a restaurant, cafe, or bar tab.

Guys, I hear you. Yet, dating is no different from any other goal you have or have had in your life. When you really want something you have to go by the rules and win the game. Of course, there are ways to stack the odds in your favor so that you won’t find yourself on dates with the wrong types of women.

Sharing too much information is number one on my no-no list. Telling your sad story time and again over time can spawn bitterness and anger that’s difficult to disguise – your body language takes command. Though getting it all out there right from the get go may feel good – even cathartic, you’re an honest man – it will come back to bite you in the ass. Though she may ask direct questions regarding your ex or past dating life this isn’t your cue to go into all the details. Your best course of action is to say something such as, The past is the past. I’m more interested in the future, and then turn the conversation to something that moves the date forward, such as one of your interests or favorite activities.

A fresh attitude – positive body language that displays interest in your date – is paramount. This is your chance to move forward, not slip back into the past.

Dating an Extremely Strong Woman

Extremely strong women can be a handful. They have their lives together and have absolutely no problem speaking their minds. They’re independent, financially secure, and less willing to compromise their lifestyles in order to win over just any man.

On your first few dates you may feel that she’s pulling you too far into her world while yours seems nudged to the side. However, before giving into the sudden urge to walk (run) away from a potentially good match, don’t hesitate to speak your thoughts.

Though extremely strong women can come off a bit rigid, they’re not completely inflexible and are more willing than you may think to make a few compromises when Mr. Right comes along.

When attracted to a strong woman, give the lady a chance. If your conversation is lively and you share similar interests don’t let your first impression (that of feeling a bit frightened that you’ll lose yourself somewhere in the process of dating her) have you immediately crossing her off your list of potential partners. Rather, on your second or third date speak your mind. You may be surprised by what you hear.

Extremely strong women are well aware of their power and strength. And having it challenged is not necessarily a bad thing. Your willingness to address your concern means that she’s met her equal.

When a man enters the realm of an extremely strong woman she immediately wants him know that she’s just fine as she is – she isn’t desperate. Yet, that doesn’t mean that she intends to remain single forever. In fact, quite the opposite. An extremely strong woman wants a very strong man.

On the flip side, if the very thought of dating an extremely strong woman has you freaking out, keep your distance. There are plenty of single women with fulfilling lives that don’t feel as strongly, or are as vocal, about their independence as others.

Secrets You Don’t Need to Share

There are certain closely held secrets that need not be shared. Things in your life that you’re not particularly proud of, and have absolutely nothing to do with beginning a new relationship. Innocuous missteps. Your life doesn’t always have to be an open book.

On the flip side, creating a facade, hiding a past that, for whatever reason, you can’t shake means that you’re in denial and incapable of change. You’re presenting yourself as someone you’re not. And though the illusion may work for awhile, women catch on to this quickly – so, fess-up.

Sharing your life with someone is as essential as breathing. Yet, keep those secrets you don’t need to share to yourself – no doubt she has a few harmless secrets as well.

Men and Botox

Men and Botox. No one has to know – the difference in your appearance is remarkably subtle – unless, of course, you spill the beans. And I’m thinking you won’t.

After years of being out in the sun – swinging clubs on the golf course, playing on the water, as well as stressing over life’s constant surprises – age lines naturally appear around your eyes.

I’m not talking about those sexy fine lines that make you even more handsome as you grow a bit older, rather it’s those lines that keep digging in deeper and deeper with each passing year – yeah, not so sexy.

The myth about Botox is that after a few simple injections (pinpricks really) suddenly your face becomes as immobile as a store mannequin’s. Your emotions are blank expressions. Au contraire. Botox simply relaxes those unwanted deep creases, allowing your natural expressions to shine even more.

Today’s man covers the gray, removes unwanted body hair, and uses hair and face products that lend him his sexy appearance. Learn more about Botox and then give it a shot!

Five Ways to Communicate Your Reason for Exiting a Short-term Dating Relationship

Having been out there in the dating world for some time you’re probably aware that it’s a good plan to have The Exit Excuse at the ready prior to meeting a woman for the first time. Naturally you don’t want to find yourself spending valuable time and money on someone you’re not attracted to, and know in a nanosecond that it’s never going to work out.

Crap-shoot dating means meeting for a quick cocktail with someone you know absolutely nothing about, and realizing the moment you meet her that you don’t want to be there. Yet, there you are. You’re now stuck with having to use The Exit Excuse as quickly as she finishes the beverage she’s ordered.

The Exit Excuse is especially important to those engaged in online dating. You simply never know who you’re going to meet. After all, can you really count on written words and a photo that’s going to be either spot on or so far from reality that you’re stunned that she had the nerve to post it?

Yet, even when you meet and enjoy the company of an attractive, interesting woman there’s no guarantee that you’ll know if she’s your lifelong partner on a first date. If you walk away because the spark wasn’t apparent right then and there you might want to consider that it could suddenly appear in a less conventional (formal), more comfortable setting, i.e. outdoors or a space where you can walk and get physically closer.

Given time the Exit Excuse is no longer an excuse, rather it’s a valid reason that she simply isn’t the one. If after a date or two and given some thought, though you thoroughly enjoyed her company, you decide for whatever reason that a long-term relationship just doesn’t feel right it’s time to make your exit.

Five ways to communicate your reason for exiting a short-term dating relationship:

Meet in a casual, quiet location and communicate, making the exit conversation honest and less awkward. Don’t even think of texting, emailing, or conversing by phone.

1. You’ve spent enough time together that you’ve gotten to know her lifestyle and it doesn’t feel a good fit with yours.There’s a good chance that she’s already figured that out.

2. You realize that including her children or yours into a relationship just wouldn’t work out. Be honest about your feelings. Again, there’s a good chance she’s begun feeling the same way.

3. Time is an issue. She, you, or both are caught up with careers, children, or other activities that make dating difficult. Believe me, it’s not something she hasn’t considered as well.

4. The spark just never happened. It takes two to make it happen and there’s little doubt that she’s on the same page.

5. You’ve met someone else who you feel is a better match for you. Though this one may have her feeling a bit of emotional pain, you haven’t been dating long enough for it to last long. She too, will be moving on.

Getting to know someone first and then having a honest conversation is the only way to communicate your reason for exiting a short-term dating relationship